Monday, November 11, 2013

On being joyful, and not so much.

My friend, Cari, lent me this amazing book by Allie Brosh, who is the creator of Hyperbole and a Half, a web blog/comic. I'd seen some of her work before, mostly in little snippets, but this book really impressed me. I highly recommend her blog:

Not so much because it was funny. Which it was. There were moments (mostly about dogs, albeit) that made me laugh out loud. I stopped and made Rob listen as I read the chapter about the goose aloud.

What really got me about this book, though, was the poignancy in which she talked about her own childhood and mental health. The description of depression was spot on, and something in which everyone can relate to.

My signature line of my email is a lyric from one of my favorite songs by Ani Difranco:

I do it for the joy it brings, because I am a joyful girl.

I try to identify with the joyful girl. She is who I want to be. I want to live life, and be some one who brings light and love.

I haven't always been that way, even though part of me has been joyful. There were a number of years in the late 90's, early 2000's when I was unhappy. 

I tried to put on a front. I hid the fact that I didn't sleep. I worried. I wasn't healthy.

That being said, though, I think we all have our darkness that lurks in the corner. When Mia was a baby, I would wake up and be convinced that she'd died in bed. I would sneak into her room, and check her pulse. You would think that now that she is an adult, I wouldn't have those urges. She is thankful that I've passed my night worries to the dogs. I can't tell you how often I wake up and have to touch each dog to make sure they are alive and inside!

I feel like I am in a better place now, I know Rob is a big part of that. Being in a relationship with someone who empowers you, trusts you, loves you, and makes you slow down is so good. He makes me feel safe, loved, and fun. He motivates and cheers me on, we rely on each other. He is my soulmate.

The remainder of that song fits, it goes like this:

I do it for the joy it brings, because I am a joyful girl.
The world owes me nothing, we owe each other the world.
I do it 'cause it's the least I can do.
I do it 'cause I learned it from you.
I do it just because I want to.

I am a joyful girl....

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